Get Your Free Christmas Gifts Here
Four years ago I came up with a Christmas list for the regulars here. I have been saving up my money in the mean time and here is my new list:
Archie – I know I let you down last time since Intuit never delivered the toggle switch like they promised. To make up for it, I got you two gifts this year. The first is a lifetime membership in the Luddite Society so you no longer have to bother with those pesky annual renewals. The second item I thought you would really like – a karaoke machine. Since you are winding down with your tax practice, I thought it would give you a chance to make some extra money in your spare time. If nothing else, you can use it to scare away the squirrels in your yard.
Tilt – Since you are now officially going to be retired, I thought I should get you something you could use everyday. I thought about it for awhile and came up with a customized bingo dauber. It has your name engraved on it and has a handy button on the end of it. Just push the button and it shouts out “BINGO” so you don’t have to. I would hate to see you have a sore throat from shouting bingo so often.
TAXOH – I put a lot of thought into your gift and came up with what I thought was something that you really needed ------- a professional football team. Good luck with the team and I’m sure I will have to buy you Super Bowl tickets for Christmas next year.
Taxiowa – I know you like to golf so I bought you a couple of rounds of golf at Hazeltine. There was one slight glitch in the purchase though. They said they really didn’t want anyone from Iowa grazing on the course in the summer so they would only sell me passes for February. I suggest you pick up a shovel and an ice auger on your way up here.
Mojo – I was looking at your picture and couldn’t help notice how every hair on your mane is perfectly in place. To help keep it that way, I bought you a year’s supply of hair gel.
Sjrcpa – I felt really bad hearing about the problems you were having lately so I thought I would buy you a new identity. I got a pretty good deal on the new identity but it does mean that you will have to move to Indiana and start going by the name of Henriettta.
TaxGuyBill – You were an easy one to shop for. Since you have had a life of crime, I thought I would get you something that would help keep you out of jail. Your very own snowman is set to be delivered Saturday morning. Based on where you live, you might want to chain it down so nobody kidnaps it.
TaxMonkey – You were another easy one to shop for. You can expect your first delivery from the Banana of the Month Club the first week of January.
Charlotte – I offered you a lutefisk dinner in my last Christmas gift list. You never stopped by to pick it up, but since it is lutefisk, it is still here waiting for you.
Dusty – I am a bit of an environmentalist and try to go green wherever I can, so I got you a new dust mop. Please bring down your old vacuums to your nearest recycling center.
CMS_VA_CPA – I was watching Wheel of Fortune the other day and found out you can buy surplus letters from them so I bought you two vowels to insert after the S and A in your name. I believe that in a country as prosperous as ours, nobody shouldn’t be able to afford a full name.
Rybnaker – You don’t look quite right without that old hat of yours, so I went shopping on ebay and found your old hat. It was in really good condition ------------- well as good as it can be based on how old it is anyway.
Phoebe – Last time I bought you a new arrow to replace the broken one. Evidently it is still broken so I got you a new arrow plus a case to put it in. Hopefully this one doesn’t get broken.
Skylane – You keep on posting about bugs, so I thought I would by you an extra large can of bug spray. It’s the industrial strength kind, so try not to inhale it when you are spraying.
Abctax – I felt bad that you had to carry your puppy up so many stairs so I got you a new escalator for your office. They wanted to charge me more for the operating instructions, so let me know if you have any trouble using it.
Mt Juliet – I bought you a truckload of lumber to build that second story addition that you always wanted for your outhouse.
Poolcleaner – Before the hoarders TV show appears at your door, I bought you a 40 foot storage container. Hopefully you don’t fill it up too fast. If you do, let me know and I will sign you up for that new storage container of the month club.
Accountant Man – You are off the list, but my offer still stands if you want me to add you to the list next year. I did use the money that I had set aside for you and bought myself a new anvil proof helmet. Of course, it was ACME and it shattered from the first anvil hit.
Lynn – You were a little hard to shop for so I finally thought of something I know you don’t have – an autographed picture of Obama signing the Obamacare legislation.
Intuit John – I bought you some brown dye so you don’t stick out in a crowd so much when you wear your bunny suit out in public.
Ashley – Since you are going by “Henry Jr”, I thought about getting you a big bag of nuts, but I’m sure you are sick of nuts dealing with this forum everyday. I did pick up a nice gift certificate though for your local optometrist. Of course when he is done with you, you may not be able to go by the name One-Eyed Willie any longer.
Intuit Alicia – I was able to get a name change for you. Based on how many people grumble about Intuit around here, I thought you would be able to make friends easier if you just went by Alicia. I was going to do the same for John, but it really doesn’t matter for him -------------------- people see the bunny suit right away and don’t even notice his name.
For those folks that aren’t listed, don’t worry I have you covered. I have ACME gift certificates for anyone that wants one. Merry Christmas!